脱口秀精选

"Many people are complaining, though, that Obama is becoming too scripted. Last night, he was having an intimate moment with Michelle, and she said, 'Wait, are you reading the teleprompter?'" --Jimmy Fallon
“许多人都在抱怨，说奥巴马正在变得过于照本宣科了。昨晚，他正在和老婆米歇尔亲密的时候，老婆突然说，‘等等，你是不是正在用电子提词机啊？’” -吉米·法伦

"Did you hear about this? Nickelodeon's asking all children to unplug electronic devices for one minute on Earth Day to teach the importance of respecting the environment. I think it's a great idea, unless the kids are visiting their grandmother in a nursing home. Then that one minute is pretty rough. 'SpongeBob killed Nana. What happened?'" --Jimmy Fallon
“你听说了吗？Nickelodeon儿童电视频道呼吁，所有的小孩在地球日那天拔掉家里电子设备的电源线一分钟，以教育他们尊重环境的重要性。我认为这是一个很好的主意，除非孩子们那天正在探访疗养院里的祖母。那样的话那断电的一分钟会是相当难受的。海棉宝宝谋杀祖母，怎么回事啊？” -吉米·法伦

March 24, 2009

"The market rallied yesterday after the Treasury said it was going to help banks sell off their toxic assets. That's the big problem, banks can't sell toxic assets. Well, duh. I mean, I'm no economist, but maybe you should stop calling them toxic assets. Huh? Isn't that like KFC advertising salmonella chicken?" --Jay Leno
“昨天股场反弹了，之前美国财政部表示，将帮助银行出售其有毒资产。这是个大问题，银行跟本不可能出售有毒资产。嗨，笨瓜。我的意思是，我可不是经济学家，但也许应该立即停止称呼那些为有毒资产。对吗？这难道不就是像肯德基做广告说，要卖沙门氏菌鸡吗？”-杰·雷诺

"Mexico's government just offered a $2 million bounty on its top drug lords, which is different from what we do here in America. We give our biggest criminals bonuses." --Jimmy Fallon
“墨西哥政府刚刚宣布悬赏2百万美元捉拿墨西哥的首要毒枭，这种做法和我们在美国的做法有所不同。我们是给我们首要的罪犯发奖金。”-吉米·法伦

"Let's not forget the AIG company. The AIG stands for 'ain't I greedy?' No, they changed the name of the company today to 'AIU' Oh! Okay then. Everything's forgiven.' AIU for 'ain't I unethical?' There you are." --Craig Ferguson
“别忘了AIG公司。AIG三个字母代表‘Ain't I Greedy’我不贪心吗？不，今天他们把公司的名称改为AIU了。啊！好吧，那么。一切都可以原谅了。AIU是‘我不道德吗’，你看这事。”-克雷格·弗格森

"AIG changing their name is like Hitler changing his name and hoping people won't notice." --Craig Ferguson
“AIG改名字，就像是希特勒改名字，然后指望没人会注意到他改了名字。”-克雷格·弗格森

"Former President George W. Bush is now writing a book about the 12 toughest decisions that he had to make as president. He said each decision had three options -- rock, paper and scissors." --Jay Leno
“前总统布什现在正在写了一本书，是有关他任总统时必须做出的十二个最艰难的决定。他说，当时每一个决定都有三个选择——剪刀、石头、布。”-杰·雷诺


"Did you see this on '60 Minutes' last night? Michelle Obama is planting a vegetable garden on the White House lawn. You know the economy's bad when the Obamas are afraid of running out of food." --Jimmy Fallon
“昨晚你们看到‘60分钟’电视节目中这个消息吗？米歇尔·奥巴马开始在白宫草坪上开辟一处小菜园子了。当奥巴马一家担心食物不够的时候，你们就应该知道经济有多糟糕了。”-吉米·法伦

March 20, 2009

"People made a big deal out of the fact this is the first time a sitting president has done a late-night show. We tried to have other presidents on, but President Bush went to bed every night at 9:00. And President Clinton always seemed to have other late-night plans." --Jay Leno
“有史以来第一次现任总统做访深夜脱口秀节目，大家对这个事实都大惊小怪。其实我们这个脱口秀节目组以前曾试图邀请过其他在任总统，但那时布什总统总是每晚九点就上床了。而克林顿总统在深夜似乎总是有其他的安排。”-杰·雷诺

"You know, we own AIG, right? We own 80% of it. And because of all of the outrage over these bonuses, armed guards now have to be placed outside the AIG offices. You know what that means? Not only are we paying the AIG executive bonuses, we are now paying to protect the executives from us. Does that make any sense to anybody?" --Jay Leno
“你们知道，我们拥有AIG，对吗？我们拥有AIG百分之八十的股份。然而由于对那些奖金引起的公愤，现在必须在AIG办公楼外设置武装警卫。你知道这意味着什么吗？我们不仅要给AIG高管们的奖金买单，我们现在还要为保护他们免遭我们攻击的安全费用买单。有人觉得这有任何意义吗？”-杰·雷诺

"Today is the first day of spring. Yeah, or, as Al Gore calls it, global warming." --Jay Leno
“今天是春季的第一天。是的，或者，用前副总统戈尔的话来说，全球变暖。”-杰·雷诺

"We spilled 25,000 barrels of oil into the Strait of Hormuz, by Iraq. And a U.S. Navy server ship collided with a submarine. Who else, but us, could invade the Middle East and lose oil? It's like robbing a bank and leaving your wallet." --Bill Maher
“我们在伊拉克那边的霍尔木兹海峡泄漏了25000桶石油。而且一艘美国海军服务船和一艘美国潜艇相撞。除了我们还有谁，可以入侵中东而又失去石油？这就像是你去抢劫一家银行，却落下了你自己的钱包。”比尔·马赫

"There's a new bin Laden tape where he calls for the destruction of Somalia. That's right. Forget destroying America, that job is done." --Bill Maher
“有一段新的本·拉丹录像，在录像里他号召摧毁索马里。没错。忘掉他那个摧毁美国的号召吧，那项任务已经完成了。”比尔·马赫

"You saw what happened in San Diego yesterday? There were these two drug dealers the cops were chasing on the freeway, and they started to throw all the money out the window. The cops were not suspicious -- they thought it was Obama's motorcade." --Bill Maher
“昨天你目睹了圣地亚哥发生的事情吗？在高速公路上，有这两名毒贩遭到了警方的追逐，然后他们向车窗外撒出所有的钱。正在追逐的警察对此(钱从车子撒出来的行径)并没有起疑——他们认为他们追随的正是奥巴马的车队。”比尔·马赫

"The president was in town this week. He spoke at the L.A. County fairgrounds. I tell you, he's still got it. People were sleeping outside all night. They were homeless, but that's not the point. They love him." --Bill Maher
“总统本周正在本市。他在洛杉矶县露天市场发表演讲。我告诉你，他还是很受欢迎的。人们露宿街头。他们无家可归，但这不重要。重要的是—他们热爱他。”比尔·马赫